Here’s the first of four essays on motherhood we’re posting by students of Kate Hopper’s Mother Words class at the Loft Literary Center. This one is by Betsy Conway of Edina.
Today I crave a lot of me time, alone time, time to be myself and do what I want to do. And I feel bad. I’m scared I’m too selfish.
I feel bad for wanting to wake up on my own without Ellie walking in at 5:30 in the morning or Lily asking to walk her to the potty. I feel bad for thinking why can’t I just read the mail without someone tugging at my leg? Why can’t I just lie in bed without someone playing with my hair? It scares me to think that way about my own kids.
But what really scares me is that someday…
Someday their bedroom doors will be shut more often than open and I will not know nor will they want me to know what is going on in there. Just for today I relish being able to walk into their rooms together, choose books to read from their bookshelves and rifle through drawers picking out an outfit. Right now the only time their bedroom door is shut is when I have carefully closed it to keep out the nighttime sounds of a reality T.V., a phone ringing or murmured adult conversations.
Someday they will brush their own teeth, put on their own toothpaste and gaze into the mirror instead of into my eyes. So it is an honor today to count Ellie’s 10 bottom teeth and ten upper teeth and the lil’ bumps indicating the second year molars are coming in. I can smell their sweet baby breath and be up close to their chubby cheeks. I breathe in the mixture of the scents leftover from dinner, their kid toothpaste and outdoor air on their skin.
Someday they will grab a diet coke from the fridge, a handful of chips and run out the door, late for some social event, anxious to be somewhere else with someone else. Just for today I portion out their food, putting into neat little organized piles of protein, fruit, veggie and starch. Purple and pink plastic glasses are adorned with a straw for fun and it makes it more enjoyable to drink.
I want to suspend these moments in time. A time where I am needed, loved unconditionally and I am their source (or we are each other’s source) of happiness, safety, calm and care. I promise. I vow. I will stop rushing through they day, the to do lists, the errands, the chores around the house because there will always be future errands to run, dishes to be washed but there will be less people around to do that with and for.
Be in the moment Betsy. Go there. Lose control. Take out all the toys at once; mix the Fischer Price Little People with the Barbie dolls. Go nuts and bust out the Polly Pockets and the blocks at-the-same-time. Scatter paper on purpose, let crayons roll off the table without scurrying to pick them up, have cookie crumbs fall to the floor and leave the Shark vac in the closet. Lose a puzzle piece but still do the puzzle. Roll, squish and push playdough and if it doesn’t get put back in its cup let it harden without letting it harden my soul. Get into the bathtub with the girls, make foamy hairy dos out of shampoo and soapy beards, too.
I’m missing out on the moments and I’m right here. Someday-Is Today. And today I will try and just “be”…
Thursday, 19 July 2007
Tuesday, 17 July 2007
YOUR LIFE vs YOUR WORK
This was a speech made by Pulitzer Prize-winning author, Anna Quindlen at the graduation ceremony of an American university where she was awarded an Honorary PhD.
"I'm a novelist. My work is human nature. Real life is all I know. Don't Ever confuse the two, your life and your work. You will walk out of here this afternoon with only one thing that no one else has. There will be hundreds of people out there with your same degree: there will be thousands of people doing what you want to do for a living. But you will be the only person alive who has sole custody of your life. Your particular life. Your entire life. Not just your life at a desk, or your life on a bus, or in a car, or at the computer. Not just the life of your mind, but the life of your heart. Not just your bank accounts but also your soul.
People don't talk about the soul very much anymore. It's so much easier to write a resume than to craft a spirit. But a resume is cold comfort on a winter's night, or when you're sad, or broke, or lonely, or when you've received your test results and they're not so good.
Here is my resume: I am a good mother to three children. I have tried never to let my work stand in the way of being a good parent. I no longer consider myself the centre of the universe. I show up. I listen. I try to laugh. I am a good friend to my husband. I have tried to make marriage vows mean what they say. I am a good friend to my friends and they to me. Without them, there would be nothing to say to you today, because I would be a cardboard cut out. But I call them on the phone, and I meet them for lunch. I would be rotten, at best mediocre at my job if those other things were not true.
You cannot be really first rate at your work if your work is all you are. So here's what I wanted to tell you today: Get a life. A real life, not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the bigger pay cheque, the larger house. Do you think you'd care so very much about those things if you blew an aneurysm one afternoon, or found a lump in your breast?
Get a life in which you notice the smell of salt water pushing itself on abreeze at the seaside, a life in which you stop and watch how a red-tailed hawk circles over the water, or the way a baby scowls with concentration when she tries to pick up a sweet with her thumb and first finger.Get a life in which you are not alone. Find people you love, and who love you. And remember that love is not leisure, it is work. Pick up the phone. Send an email. Write a letter.
Get a life in which you are generous. Andrealize that life is the best thing ever, and that you have no business taking it for granted. Care so deeply about its goodness that you want to spread it around. Take money you would have spent on beer and give it to charity. Work in a soup kitchen. Be a big brother or sister. All of you want to do well. But if you do not do good too, then doing well will never be enough.It is so easy to waste our lives, our days, our hours, and our minutes. It is so easy to take for granted the color of our kids' eyes, the way the melody in a symphony rises and falls and disappears and rises again.
It is so easy to exist instead of to live.I learned to live many years ago. I learned to love the journey, not the destination. I learned that it is not a dress rehearsal, and that today is the only guarantee you get.
I learned to look at all the good in the world and try to give some of it back because I believed in it, completely andutterly. And I tried to do that, in part, by telling others what I had learned. By telling them this: Consider the lilies of the field. Look at the fuzz on a baby's ear. Read in the back yard with the sun on your face. Learn to be happy. And think of life as a terminal illness, because if you do, you will live it with joy and passion as it ought to be lived".
"I'm a novelist. My work is human nature. Real life is all I know. Don't Ever confuse the two, your life and your work. You will walk out of here this afternoon with only one thing that no one else has. There will be hundreds of people out there with your same degree: there will be thousands of people doing what you want to do for a living. But you will be the only person alive who has sole custody of your life. Your particular life. Your entire life. Not just your life at a desk, or your life on a bus, or in a car, or at the computer. Not just the life of your mind, but the life of your heart. Not just your bank accounts but also your soul.
People don't talk about the soul very much anymore. It's so much easier to write a resume than to craft a spirit. But a resume is cold comfort on a winter's night, or when you're sad, or broke, or lonely, or when you've received your test results and they're not so good.
Here is my resume: I am a good mother to three children. I have tried never to let my work stand in the way of being a good parent. I no longer consider myself the centre of the universe. I show up. I listen. I try to laugh. I am a good friend to my husband. I have tried to make marriage vows mean what they say. I am a good friend to my friends and they to me. Without them, there would be nothing to say to you today, because I would be a cardboard cut out. But I call them on the phone, and I meet them for lunch. I would be rotten, at best mediocre at my job if those other things were not true.
You cannot be really first rate at your work if your work is all you are. So here's what I wanted to tell you today: Get a life. A real life, not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the bigger pay cheque, the larger house. Do you think you'd care so very much about those things if you blew an aneurysm one afternoon, or found a lump in your breast?
Get a life in which you notice the smell of salt water pushing itself on abreeze at the seaside, a life in which you stop and watch how a red-tailed hawk circles over the water, or the way a baby scowls with concentration when she tries to pick up a sweet with her thumb and first finger.Get a life in which you are not alone. Find people you love, and who love you. And remember that love is not leisure, it is work. Pick up the phone. Send an email. Write a letter.
Get a life in which you are generous. Andrealize that life is the best thing ever, and that you have no business taking it for granted. Care so deeply about its goodness that you want to spread it around. Take money you would have spent on beer and give it to charity. Work in a soup kitchen. Be a big brother or sister. All of you want to do well. But if you do not do good too, then doing well will never be enough.It is so easy to waste our lives, our days, our hours, and our minutes. It is so easy to take for granted the color of our kids' eyes, the way the melody in a symphony rises and falls and disappears and rises again.
It is so easy to exist instead of to live.I learned to live many years ago. I learned to love the journey, not the destination. I learned that it is not a dress rehearsal, and that today is the only guarantee you get.
I learned to look at all the good in the world and try to give some of it back because I believed in it, completely andutterly. And I tried to do that, in part, by telling others what I had learned. By telling them this: Consider the lilies of the field. Look at the fuzz on a baby's ear. Read in the back yard with the sun on your face. Learn to be happy. And think of life as a terminal illness, because if you do, you will live it with joy and passion as it ought to be lived".
Sunday, 15 July 2007
NEW BRUSH CUTTER
Yesterday Abah bought a brand new brush cutter. Brush cutter? What is that? Well, it was written as brush cutter on it's box. It is actually a hand held lawn mower that the Majlis Bandaran guys would use to cut grass on the road sides.We used to have 2 of such equipments before but both were electrical machine. This one tho is a fuel operated cutter. The first two were "gone" even before Abah finished cutting the grass on our long piece of land. Abah was kind of gave up so sometime back Abah called his friend contractor to cut the grass for us. It was ok at first but later he only came once in a month. That was not enough because the grass would shoot up even after the 3rd day...!
Now that we have our "little" badminton court at the lawn so all the more reason for abah to find solutions to settle the grass thingy. I am the one who easily get pissed off with the " kemucup". Even the kids will avoid playing outside or resort to playing at their friend's houses.
Yesterday I made Abah bought the cutter...well he promised long time ago and I want him to walk his talk. Abah bought it at RM300. It was not as easy as what we saw other people doing it. It was heavy and for an inexperienced abah, it was like asking for shoulder and backache. Despite all that Abah still did it but later that night he complained of shoulder ache and his hand trembled.
I told abah that at least we know how it felt, rather than complaining when these people asked for RM40 - 50 per service. The cost of fuel has increased and what more doing it under the hot sun. Abah said we can cut cost if we buy own own machine..well ok but I guest we shouldn't complained on anything because we CHOOSE to do it ourselves.
Our children on the other hand were enjoying the grass cutting session very much. Everybody was busy helping bibi sweeping the grass to gather at one side so that she can burn it later.Not to mention the special post with the new brush cutter.
keep it up guys....
wassalam
mama
Saturday, 7 July 2007
THE ACT OF KINDNESS
The year 2007 will be remembered as the most challenging year in my entire life. I've gone through ups and downs and failures before but this one hit me the hardest. As muslim, I believe that whatever happened to me this year is a test of taqwa to Allah and what matters most is how I reacted and composed myself in overcoming the obstacles.
It is easy to say than do. I cannot remember how much tears have been shed for the past 5 months and how much more for the months to go. I know by crying alone cannot solve anything that need to be solved. All I need to do is to remain calm, peace with myself and accept whatever circumstances that come my way. I am not able to explain what actually happened to me and our family this year, it will be a long and winding stories, suffice to say that without proper planning and strategy to cover the loss, the whole family will financially suffer for the next 5 - 10 years. URRRGHH this part hurts the most.
I tried to search for "hikmah" behind all these and did my own self reflection(muhasabah diri) on what I have done or could have done. The "rezeki" was almost at our doorstep but there were so many obstacles and hurdles that we have to finally let "it" go. "It" has caused so much pain to us and to other people that came into the picture. I believe the hurdles were reminders to us that "it" was not meant to be for us and worth letting go - even at our own expenses. It fit the saying " yang di kejar tak dapat, yang di kendong berciciran" . This is how it all started.
These are some of the houses in the islamic community.
People from 2 villages, about >40 families were gathered. These people were only able to eat meat once a year that is during Eidul Adha due to poverty.
I had mix feeling when I saw these pictures. It is very sad to know there are still dhoif people out there striken by poverty. I feel thankful to Allah that has opened my eyes and make me realised that how hard I thought my problem was, it is still nothing compared to what these people are suffering. We only lost some savings but we still have all the luxury of a normal life ...look at them?....Look at the children...they do not have enough to even cover their bodies. Not to mention what they ate for a living, their education, their health and well being...This is really heart breaking.
It is easy to say than do. I cannot remember how much tears have been shed for the past 5 months and how much more for the months to go. I know by crying alone cannot solve anything that need to be solved. All I need to do is to remain calm, peace with myself and accept whatever circumstances that come my way. I am not able to explain what actually happened to me and our family this year, it will be a long and winding stories, suffice to say that without proper planning and strategy to cover the loss, the whole family will financially suffer for the next 5 - 10 years. URRRGHH this part hurts the most.
I tried to search for "hikmah" behind all these and did my own self reflection(muhasabah diri) on what I have done or could have done. The "rezeki" was almost at our doorstep but there were so many obstacles and hurdles that we have to finally let "it" go. "It" has caused so much pain to us and to other people that came into the picture. I believe the hurdles were reminders to us that "it" was not meant to be for us and worth letting go - even at our own expenses. It fit the saying " yang di kejar tak dapat, yang di kendong berciciran" . This is how it all started.
All these may be the result of our own wrongdoings..who knows. All I can think of is probably lack of "sadaqah/sedekah/sacrifice". Sadaqah/ zakat can clean our money/belongings. ALLAH promise that the more we give, the more we will receive. An Ustadz once told us that he can "visualise" all the financial failures in our lives and he recommended that we give a big sadaqah to the needy people - 2 camels, 2 muttons, 2 chickens and 2 eggs. The problem is , where to get money to sadaqah when we have used up most of it? Allah is Great and HIS work came in so many unexpected ways. Alhamdulillah we managed to raise enough money to at least start something.
We decided that the sacrifice need to be done immediately. It is the known fact that Cambodian muslim communities are facing extinction, people there are really dhoif and needy lots who deserved such big sadaqah. We managed to engage Ustadz Naasir from Kelantan to help us. He visited islamic villages in Cambodia on a regular basis. We listed out the task for the Ustadz to do including providing them with cooked food of 2 muttons, 20 chickens and 100 eggs. The cost for the whole thing was RM1,200. At this point in time we do not know how/where to get camels for that matter. I guess the camels will have to wait for the next turn.
Yesterday I received the pictures taken of the event that was held on Saturday, 2nd Jun 2007. I was deeply touched and in tears when I saw what poverty has done to them.
This is the "mosque" where the friday prayer took place. Ustaz Naasir's mission was to set up a mosque and islamic classes to educate the children and adults. The intention is very noble, i hope Allah will give me the opportunity to continuously help these needy people
These pictures speak a thousand words.....
This is the "mosque" where the friday prayer took place. Ustaz Naasir's mission was to set up a mosque and islamic classes to educate the children and adults. The intention is very noble, i hope Allah will give me the opportunity to continuously help these needy peopleThese pictures speak a thousand words.....
These are some of the houses in the islamic community. People from 2 villages, about >40 families were gathered. These people were only able to eat meat once a year that is during Eidul Adha due to poverty.I had mix feeling when I saw these pictures. It is very sad to know there are still dhoif people out there striken by poverty. I feel thankful to Allah that has opened my eyes and make me realised that how hard I thought my problem was, it is still nothing compared to what these people are suffering. We only lost some savings but we still have all the luxury of a normal life ...look at them?....Look at the children...they do not have enough to even cover their bodies. Not to mention what they ate for a living, their education, their health and well being...This is really heart breaking.It is a comfort to know that somebody like Ustaz Nasir who are concern about their aqidah more than anything else. I asked his doa for my rezeki so that I will continously contribute in my own small way. Insyallah, I planned to sacrifise 1 cow representing the whole family during the next coming Eidul Adha and some cash for the collection to build a proper madrasah at Kg Cham.
I will always support any act of kindness whenever I can because in doing so, soften my heart, make me compare what I have now to what these poor people are lacking. Then only I realised how thankful I am with the rezeki that ALLAH has given me no matter how big or small it may be.
To all my children, please do not have any slightest thought or doubt about ALLAH's promise. Never think that giving away sadaqah will make us poorer than what we are now. ALLAH will replace with more rezeki directly or indirectly, in an unexpected way. Sooner or later is only a matter of time. Please remember this test of taqwa as a lesson for us to become better people.
wassalam
mama
GOOD NEWS AND NOT SO GOOD NEWS
The first week of July came to an end yesterday leaving me with 2 kind of news.
THE GOOD NEWS
My personal pen drive is experiencing a breakdown risking all the important data that was stored for the past one year. The thot of losing all the data was rather scarry because the last backup copy was done in May. All my client's data, financial data, housemaid data and other personal things that I could't do without.
Abah was pissed off with me for not taking great care of it knowing that it is very important and loaded with crucial data. Well, I can't argue much coz it was really my mistake. The problem with the pen drive is just the USB physical contact. It was not recognised by my laptop and a few others.
I checked with the local IT guy and he said if it is something to do with the connectors then it is unretrievable. It is as good as buying a new one..Oh dear! He said just try to other USB port, if it doesn't work then I might just forget about it. whuaaaaaa...
At home, I was so determined to tweak this tiny storage thing . What the heck, just give it a try. The chances is 50-50. Well, I have to throw it anyway. So becoming a Mc Guyver I was, tweaking here and there, trying to open the casing when I noticed a dry joint. I bent the connector to about 50 degrees and BINGO !..It worked..yessss. Alhamdulillah I was really happy and words can't explain how thankful I was to Allah - for giving me the inquisitive mind and patience to repair it myself....I had it done just after the Maghrib call for prayer (azan)...
THE NOT SO GOOD NEWS
Earlier today I received a missed call from a very familiar and much awaited number. I've been waiting for her call for the past one month. She is a friend I knew by chance and we became close friends eversince, to the extend that she accepted me as if I am her own sister eventhough we came from different culture, different colour, different race and different religion.
She is Miriam Musia, 33 years old African lady working at British Hicom in Malaysia. Married to an English guy with 3 kids. I will not elaborate further on how we came to know each other coz it is kind of confidential. Miriam's voice today was really different and sooo not her. Obviously she sounded in trouble and worried.
My guess was right. She was silent all these while because she was out of this country and just arrived back from Africa yesterday. She blurted out that she lost her husband about a month ago. What? I was really shocked and was in tears with her. Her husband had a long history of kidney problem. They went back to London to do the operation on him and apparently it didn't work. She was crying and the line was cut off twice. I gave her my words of condolence and encouragement, life has to go on. She has to be strong for her 3 kids. She lost her baby about 2 months ago through an abortion and now she lost her husband. Must be unbearable.
I wish I can be with her at that time but I was rather tied up with my work. The only time that I can be with her will be next week- our next trip to KL. She planned to leave this country soon. I really pity her. I offered her help if she needs anything in Malaysia.
My thot is with her now as I write. Miriam that I know is a very strong and brave lady. I am sure she will be able to make it through this trying time and can take care of her family. Being away from her own country with no one to fall back to is very painful. She came here to accompany her husband which means her husband came in first and she followed later. She's been here for 2 years now.
To Miriam - take care dear. You are a wonderful lady. Be strong.
wassalam
mama
THE GOOD NEWS
My personal pen drive is experiencing a breakdown risking all the important data that was stored for the past one year. The thot of losing all the data was rather scarry because the last backup copy was done in May. All my client's data, financial data, housemaid data and other personal things that I could't do without.
Abah was pissed off with me for not taking great care of it knowing that it is very important and loaded with crucial data. Well, I can't argue much coz it was really my mistake. The problem with the pen drive is just the USB physical contact. It was not recognised by my laptop and a few others.
I checked with the local IT guy and he said if it is something to do with the connectors then it is unretrievable. It is as good as buying a new one..Oh dear! He said just try to other USB port, if it doesn't work then I might just forget about it. whuaaaaaa...
At home, I was so determined to tweak this tiny storage thing . What the heck, just give it a try. The chances is 50-50. Well, I have to throw it anyway. So becoming a Mc Guyver I was, tweaking here and there, trying to open the casing when I noticed a dry joint. I bent the connector to about 50 degrees and BINGO !..It worked..yessss. Alhamdulillah I was really happy and words can't explain how thankful I was to Allah - for giving me the inquisitive mind and patience to repair it myself....I had it done just after the Maghrib call for prayer (azan)...
THE NOT SO GOOD NEWS
Earlier today I received a missed call from a very familiar and much awaited number. I've been waiting for her call for the past one month. She is a friend I knew by chance and we became close friends eversince, to the extend that she accepted me as if I am her own sister eventhough we came from different culture, different colour, different race and different religion.
She is Miriam Musia, 33 years old African lady working at British Hicom in Malaysia. Married to an English guy with 3 kids. I will not elaborate further on how we came to know each other coz it is kind of confidential. Miriam's voice today was really different and sooo not her. Obviously she sounded in trouble and worried.
My guess was right. She was silent all these while because she was out of this country and just arrived back from Africa yesterday. She blurted out that she lost her husband about a month ago. What? I was really shocked and was in tears with her. Her husband had a long history of kidney problem. They went back to London to do the operation on him and apparently it didn't work. She was crying and the line was cut off twice. I gave her my words of condolence and encouragement, life has to go on. She has to be strong for her 3 kids. She lost her baby about 2 months ago through an abortion and now she lost her husband. Must be unbearable.
I wish I can be with her at that time but I was rather tied up with my work. The only time that I can be with her will be next week- our next trip to KL. She planned to leave this country soon. I really pity her. I offered her help if she needs anything in Malaysia.
My thot is with her now as I write. Miriam that I know is a very strong and brave lady. I am sure she will be able to make it through this trying time and can take care of her family. Being away from her own country with no one to fall back to is very painful. She came here to accompany her husband which means her husband came in first and she followed later. She's been here for 2 years now.
To Miriam - take care dear. You are a wonderful lady. Be strong.
wassalam
mama
Thursday, 5 July 2007
ALIFF NAK BERHENTI "KERJA"
I have been tied up with my office work for the past weeks and today is especially busy - trying to meet the deadline for Business Plan 2008.
I spent less time with my kids and sometime had an argument with Abah - just to vent out my frustration at the office. At times I really feel like I want to just quit my job. I hate going to work. Why can't I just work from home?
Aliff has been listening to my conversation with Abah. He may not understand what I meant by quit my job but somehow he can surely register "berhenti kerja". So today as usual Aliff called me at work :
Aliff : Mama, Aliff nak berhenti keje....!!
Mama : What? Berhenti keje, Aliff keje apa?
Aliff : Keje Aliff lah
Mama : Ye lah, Aliff keje apa?
Aliff : Keje sekolah Aliff lah...
Mama : ooooo, kenapa nak berhenti?
Aliff : Aliff penat lah, boleh lah eh Aliff nak berhenti keje
Mama : Tak boleh lah, keje sekolah kena buat
Aliff : Aliff sakit perut lah...
Mama : Ok lah bye bye
Hahahha, that was really sweet of him. I can hear bibi's laughing voice at the back..!!!
Later today, he called again :
Aliff : Mama, Aliff dah ok dah
Mama : Ok apa?
Aliff : Aliff dah ok dah kat rumah ni...ok bye..
he hung up before I could say anything.
His call today really made my day. This kind of call make me really want to go straight home from work.
Aliff - you are really the CLOWN of the house.
I spent less time with my kids and sometime had an argument with Abah - just to vent out my frustration at the office. At times I really feel like I want to just quit my job. I hate going to work. Why can't I just work from home?
Aliff has been listening to my conversation with Abah. He may not understand what I meant by quit my job but somehow he can surely register "berhenti kerja". So today as usual Aliff called me at work :
Aliff : Mama, Aliff nak berhenti keje....!!
Mama : What? Berhenti keje, Aliff keje apa?
Aliff : Keje Aliff lah
Mama : Ye lah, Aliff keje apa?
Aliff : Keje sekolah Aliff lah...
Mama : ooooo, kenapa nak berhenti?
Aliff : Aliff penat lah, boleh lah eh Aliff nak berhenti keje
Mama : Tak boleh lah, keje sekolah kena buat
Aliff : Aliff sakit perut lah...
Mama : Ok lah bye bye
Hahahha, that was really sweet of him. I can hear bibi's laughing voice at the back..!!!
Later today, he called again :
Aliff : Mama, Aliff dah ok dah
Mama : Ok apa?
Aliff : Aliff dah ok dah kat rumah ni...ok bye..
he hung up before I could say anything.
His call today really made my day. This kind of call make me really want to go straight home from work.
Aliff - you are really the CLOWN of the house.
wassalam,
mama
mama
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